Just saw an old man buy two cases of keystone light, a case of milwaukee's best and a case of icehouse. Degenerate alcoholic of senior citizen of the year?
I'm so glad i pay social security
He rode a broom down the stairs while we were mattress surfing. Naked. Buck ass naked. WTF
I was thinking about getting her an edible arrangement for an engagement gift. You want in?
I'm buying her a drink and not telling her to dump his ass. that's my gift.
I'm getting kicked out of the place we're at. They don't like ketchup on their walls..
It's just unfortunate. She's a 28 year old woman who looks as if a pelican and ET had a baby. With braces.
Pro: She likes to masturbate to 50 shades of grey. Con: She reads 50 Shades of grey non-ironically.
So my flight takes off at 8am. Does this mean I need to break my airport bar pre-flight ritual?
Aren't you the one who taught me that airports are the judgement-free drinking zone?
I hope you have irresponsible drunk insurance because you're about to pay a deductible
Did I call him? He cried after taking my bra off. You tell me.
My drug dealer is giving me a 15% veterans discount on my weed for nov 11th
That's the best thing I've heard all week.
I'm not sure. I have to find the Greeks I was with last night and see if they can explain to me why I can't hear out of my right ear and why I look like I got the shit kicked out of me
I just want to get drunk and not have to worry about you leaving me at the bar.
I was eating pickles straight from a jar, contemplating doing something productive. What did I miss?
you were so drunk that when the mouse on your laptop didnt work anymore you decided to just take it into the bathroom and pee on it while laughing like a mad scientist.
So how do u get your coat out of the coat room when someone is fucking on it?
Randomize
