I just told her she was a heartbeat above a blowup doll.
you don't understand, he speaks spanish and is tall. i have to do him.
He thinks MY vagina is tight. That's saying something.
Something about a hand job in a car doesn't scream girlfriend
The last mom I slept with was the worst lay ever. Imagine fucking a hairy wet pillow for 60 minutes. Good luck with your milf. I was joking about the Susan Boyle comment btw.
Dude I walked 1.4 miles through the hotel wearing a cowboy hat, pink topped boots, gucci shades, and a scarf and met my parents in the hallway at 7 am how is this not a good start to Vegas?
why are our drunk alter egos so much more successful than us?
Stop whining I left you with whiskey
YOU LEFT ME WITH WHISKEY ALONE IN A CABIN IN THE MIDDLE OF NOWHERE I AM GOING TO DIE.
I look like I just got gang banged and I'm wearing a Taylor swift t shirt. It's not gonna be a pretty breakfast.
Full disclosure. I fucked the fatty from work and shit is weird now.
i'm not sure what happened last night.. i do remember the police calling me to find out where i was because apparently at some point i went missing? don't worry though. they found me
I walked a mile in this weather wearing nothing but a toga. Zero fucks. Your move Mother Nature.
Easter was a success. We had an egg hunt and hid weed and conforms inside them. Cooked a ham, made some jello, got wasted. THIS is adulthood?!
You had sex with him AND his man bun. Like not just him but also the bun.
Sorry. We had to leave because I knocked a guy out for saying "yolo".
Randomize
