I want to give you a handjob with my mouth.
Just had to open a tuna can with a spoon. Gave me a sense of hunting for my own food.
No one even knew you were hurt until we saw the multiple cuts to prove it, and when we asked what happened all you could say was "I fell out"
If I wake up with an unknown penis in me one more time I am literally going to press charges to the makers of tequila.
We didnt even know he was in the house until he came downstairs and asked why he was wet
He was president of his frat and had a clap on disco ball in his room... or course I slept with him
A surprise thumb up the ass and I'm wide awake. She was right, no need for caffine pills I could fight ninjas now.
Also, I pretty much need an IV of fluids straight to my soul
Like I respect him so much I would suck his dick
In a very non respectful way
Worst date ever. Bro she asked when we can start having kids because her clock was ticking.
Run dude. Just run
Me and you. The most fucked up people on the planet drinking together. Hell yeah
Trusting in Jesus is not a viable birth control plan.
Good morning! Or after noon. Sorry for falling asleep in you
My life is just a trash fire of work and Japanese video games now
I wouldn't have found her if it wasn't for the vomit trail leading into my brother's room.
Randomize