why is every porn film shot in the same house? with the same red couch!?!
I wish Michael J Fox could read me bedtime stories
He could rock you to sleep
I'm having sex on a snuggie, yes i stopped to text you
The online application for Mcdonald's said I could do incredible things there. Today I threw out shit filled underwear in the women's restroom and escorted a very drunk/high 42 year old man outside after he ordered a 5 dollar foot long and a bloody mary.
worst part about day drinking... waking up to george lopez
Drunk me cleaned my room for me. Needless to say our relationship has improved greatly
After he finished he proceeded to check my boobs for breast cancer.
Two people confessed their love to me last night. Drunk is a good color on me
I bet, I woke up to you like naked at 4 in the morning shoving a sandwich in your face
I know this is super early in advance but can I borrow your horse mask on 4/20
If I could drink as much and have the amount of sex he has at his age, well I'd probably be dead
If so I'm coming over there. There's no way I'm having "hello, how are you" conversations with my neighbors on acid
I just loudly threatened to kill a self checkout machine
Are we planning this because I am online looking for places with a Mechanical bull
I need to bang the neighbor boy. He’s given three women screaming orgasms this week alone.
Also, my apartment walls are too thin
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