Drunk x Brooklyn = problems getting home. If I don't make it you can have my computer and my bitches. You're welcome.
You can't hide fat with big sunglasses.
he asked me to marry him on one of those scrolling message belt buckels.... what now?
walmarts paint section shouldnt be open at 3am
I know she was blacked out, but she looked directly at the toilet and said "we meet again"
There's a bachlorette party going on at the bowling alley, so we'll see who wins greatest shitshow tonight.
So, I'm drinking, and I put my head down in the table. The cat jumped up to check on me, I have a cat sober monitor.
ACTUALLY FUNNIEST MOMENT OF THE NIGHT WAS WHEN YOU WERE TALKING TO HIM AND YOU SAID "WHEN YOU MEET ME IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE A LOT ANGRIER." And then he said "WHEN I MEET YOU IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE LESS DRUNK, HOPEFULLY."
Look I'm sorry I stuffed your wife's bouquet toss but I won't have that weak shit in my house.
He can't just hit it and quit it and then eat your pop tarts on his way out.
Single lady's Saturday night: eat doritos, masturbate, eat more doritos. Do shot of Jager. Repeat until desired result is achieved.
Awkward, walking to my bootycall's hotel room and run into my dad leaving his. Just nodded to each other and went on our ways
Do not take the D yet, he needs to be worth it. Your Vagina is GOLD.
he’s basically the devil with a fuck boy hair cut and chlamydia
Youre saying I should leave him? Have you seen the dating pool these days? It's terrifying, and in the capital region it's straight Norman Bates
Randomize
