My grandmother just called to say she disowned me. Apparently I uploaded a video to Youtube of me dancing nude with a blow-up doll named Dorothy, last night. You are so fired from being damage control.
i just had a dream that i could control how black Will Smith was with a remote.i need to stop sleeping with the TV on
so this carnie looked at me and said "the ride in my pants is funner." i wet myself.
i get tired of guys telling me there married or they have a girlfriend. they act like it concerns or matters to me
Considering he believes im part of the 2016 us curling team id say hes pretty drunk
walking around pouring bird seed on passed out guys in the quad.
it felt like i was a kid in an empty playground. i fucked him on every piece of furniture in the house and then when his housemates showed up i was naked in his bed like i'd been there all along.
Listen, you need to start thinking with your vagina and not with your heart... That emotional shit is for your 30s.
the evidence from last night is not good...
what evidence?
my underwear is on inside out, and there are french fries in my hair...
GET OVER HERE. HOTTIE ALERT
^^^This is why you should have charged your phone prior to going out.
We need to get stoned and watch Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles 2. This has become a priority. Schedule accordingly.
He tried to introduce me to one of his friends that kept looking at me and I said "OH NO! I can't do this shit anymore!!" It was like I had a vision of what drunk me would've done in about 20 minutes.
Dude, she set my Tinder preference to men, set the radius to 100 miles, and used up all of my right swipes. I think she's mad.
She shoved her hand down my pants and held my cock for thirty minutes in the bar. It was like she was letting all the other females know I was hers.
I peed on his bed and he still likes me. #keeper
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