is it bad that i regret hanging out with a girl tonight because that means i have less time to sit on youtube watching xmen cartoons?
He just kept telling me how to do certain things. It was like I was fucking my sex ed teacher
You should really come over right now. There's hot construction workers across the street. I'm gonna go pour beer on myself in a bikini on the sidewalk. See you in 5?
I kept pulling the $1 bills off the stage and told everyone "no no no she has to work for this money"
its the kind of pain that only someone with a fucking elephant on their head would understand. I'm never drinking again.
This coming from the girl who broke up with a guy because she found out he played the tuba in middle school.
today is just not my day... it could be raining penises and I would get hit in the face by a vag
Dude, I puked in the stall for God knows how long. Halfway through, a kid sits down in the stall next to me and starts jacking off, i heard the porn on his phone and everything. so FYI, the middle stall is where good nights go to die
I told her the only thing I had going for me was my huge cock. She said she was willing to overlook my other shortcomings.
Besides he said his dick was as big as a loaf of bread and that it was broken. So I was like u have half a head of hair and a broken dick that looks like bread. No thanks. Im good.
And I made some girl take out the trash, load and unload the dishwasher, swifter, and clean the counters. So don't act like I don't do anything.
In retrospect, vomiting out of a moving vehicle on the third date should have been a deal breaker
Mom is so high she had to turn off the ceiling fan because it was going too fast and it freaked her out.
I just found a live peacock hanging out behind the bar. I coerced it into my car and now I have a peacock bro that lives with me.
They want a bedroom just for their cats. And you thought we were gay.
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