It doesn't matter if they shave you or not, you're still susceptible to the staph infection.
I think I've given more of my business cards to Chipotle trying to win free burritos than anyone else
i just identified you from a description of your pipe
i gave her road head last night, needless to say it wasn't the same and i bit a chunk of the inside of my cheek off.
I just added 'steal mom's xanax' to my to do list for when I go home for Easter.
I'm using my ex boyfriends dog to find a guy at the park I could see fuck buddy potential in. I'm the queen of irony.
He just came into the room wearing nothing but a Speed Racer helmet. I think he just invented a fetish.
Somewhere along the night we ended up at a food lion giving jello shots to high school girls.
He said female orgasms are a myth and refuses to even try to give me one.
You can't buy drugs with a ziplock bag full of quarters, chuck-e-cheese coins, and a starbucks giftcard.
watch me
I'm just trying my hardest not to get addicted to drugs or pregnant and all your other friends are out there getting married
I didn't know where you were for like 15 minutes and then I went in the bathroom splashing water on the mirror and throwing hand towels around saying that you were "redecorating"
I cried while dry heaving in the back of the car to the New York song with jay z in it. I was singing it inbetween gags.
I've seen you go skiing on a Tuesday, but you think you're too good for TGI Friday's?
i woke up this morning wearing my pants as a scarf and my shirt as a daiper, my boyfriends contact name in my phone is "human sacrifice" and yours is "i like eggs"....can someone please tell me what happened last night
Randomize
