I am in shape. i keep telling you that.
Round is not "in shape," it's "a shape."
U know u have sex too much when u have lube in ur rolliball on ur blackberry
not allowed to tweet this cos she's following me but i definitely just got head in a stairwell of the university of chicago. wanted you all to know.
I have eleven tally marks and an infinity sign drawn on my wrist in permanent marker. Senior bar crawl stole my liver.
the only time i'm productive on weed is when i drink.
i mean, i stole her boyfriend and beat her snake score on facebook within 48 hours. not her week.
he puked in my glove box, looked up at me and said "There's not much to say"
I won't be able to make it. Too hung over. Can't hold down fluids. I'm in the bathtub trying to hydrate my body through osmosis. And yes, Tequila Tuesday is totally still on for tonight.
I woke up to find that chris drank one of my contacts.
Yeah he's good at that.
I'm hiding in the bathroom at the library but there are children here I just want to drunk cry in peace
He washed his dick in my kitchen sink after sex. I think he might be a keeper.
Drunk you wants to be petty, not you you.
You weren't stupid you just made an ass of yourself. It's called a birthday party. That's code for night of regrets.
I just got free tacos, you would be so proud of me.
Clarification, I got free tacos without performing any sexual favors.
I'm sittin in my Hawaiian shorts watching the office eating cold asparagus. wow do I suck when you're not here.
Randomize
