so i texed my mom when i was trashed last night and said "i know its 3 am, just go to bed and i'll be back by the time we leave for the airport"
Do I have a sign around my neck that says "SWM desperately seeking ultra-plus-size woman that likes everything I do"? I swear they're organized
No, but you do have a sign around your neck that says "Free cupcakes."
At one point during the moaning he reminded me of Forrest Gump
It's like she bought one bad life decision and got one free
well after we realized that his best friend and my twin sister were hooking up it was kind of an unsopken agreement that we would too
Do you know how disconcerting it is to hear the sound a dog makes while it drinks water and find out that it's someone eating you out?
I literally told her "she's a sandwich I'd like to make" and that's all it took
Theres either a bag of coke in my pocket or a bag of anthrax, either way last night got way to serious
I'm happily sitting on the toilet cause I'm too tired to move. I'm considering making this my permanent residence. It has a lot to offer.
Had sex with the Irish bartender in Spain. So that happened.
Our host-mom was rubbing her back sympathetically going "muy bien, chica" while she puked on the beach. So yeah, I think we got the best one.
I just saw elmo dancing with gumby. The bars at 7a.m. are AWESOME.
and then she sorta stared at me like "holy shit" and I looked down and my dog was licking her ass
Ruff night.
i want to say his dick was in it but not his heart
Thanks for going with me today. It’s been a long time since I bought bra and panties because of a guy
It’s called “shopping for lingerie” and it’s one of the many exciting and sexy things that follow a divorce, along with sexting, sleepovers, and orgasms
But, our next lesson is picking up a younger guys at the bar!
Randomize
