Get condoms and clear your schedule for the night. I'm bringing chinese food!
We need to start having rules for the weekends. Like no more downing 3 shots because we want to slut dance a little harder or because biggie just came on.
Wow, haven't had to deal with the 'stoned at the dinner table' scenario in a while
I can't. He's too cute and my tongue is too long.
New term. "Find a husband" fridays. It's like thirsty thursdays, but with a dowry.
who has that picture of us looking like alcoholics at the zoo?
I feel like the other woman.
You ARE the other woman.
Dude shes not that fat. Plus, last night I probably would've done it too.
Hey guy that stepped on my foot, don't slap my ass to apologize.
Cry into your wine glass and then drink the tears, it's like the fountain of youth
HES DOING PULLUPS BE STILL MY BEATING HEART
Don't tell me 'the Fonzie' doesn't work. Went to see Shakespeare high and gave the sign to the dude playing Macbeth. Now at a cast party getting blown. All hail the Fonz.
He asked me if I remembered touching his police badge. awk.
I'm going to reward myself for having sex with coffee and a breakfast burrito.
just found out that my aunt grows weed. today is a good day to be me.
Randomize
