I think we should go ahead and pin a note to my shirt when we go out that says"do NOT buy me shots"
On the back we can put possible side effects may include: indiscriminate making out, brief crying spells, yelling in jibberish, and sudden sleep.
He told me i was the nicest person he's ever arrested for DUI
I cant believe that bitch gave me herpes. she said those bumps were just a part of the natural landscape
wait, did she really refer to her vagina as a landscape?
why are you more concerned about her word choice than the fact that I HAVE FUCKING HERPES
He was in me and said I can't believe this happened because of facebook. MOOD KILLER.
she kept asking for a lobster dinner while she was crying. it was actually the most reasonable drunk chick request i've ever heard.
sick fucks of a feather flock together
Believe it or not, that's part of the whole 'best friend' thing. It's not just yelling at me for making you leave the club early or taking the couch bc I'm doing sex while you're doing bjs.
At one point they were sandwiching me, both petting my stomach, mad dogging each other. Then they somehow telepathically decided to both try to pull my pants down. Such nice guys.
I would like you to know I am eating your apology chocolate, which means i forgive you for puking everywhere before formal
He will be forever remembered as "birthday failure" ...Got him to pierce his tongue in my bathroom, but not sleep with me......
i would compare it to sliding down a velcro-covered fireman's pole naked. no more bearded men for me.
Do you remember biting my ear and whispering quotes of Pride and Prejudice last night?
I'm eating your cookies as payment for having to listen to you. Happy sex
HOW DO YOU FORGET TO FINISH WINE
So hypothetically speaking.. say someone dropped their birth control pill in a hot bowl of soup, and it possibly disintegrated.. would it be just as useful?
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