you only like me because i go down faster than a bridge in minnesota
i found the vodka. it was hiding in the orange juice.
My dignity? Collapsing on itself like a dying star.
Sometimes he's such a bitch I forget that he's not actually a girl. Last night I asked him if I could borrow a tampon.
He had some in his pocket. That was weird.
This pizza tastes like mashed potatoes. HOW HIGH DO YOU THINK I AM?
Girl next to me just said "as a guy I used to sweat but not I don't. it's awesome" Oh. My. God.
Getting drunk now, but later remind me to tell you how to crash an 8th grade grad party.
Why did I just find out you and Andrew had sex right next to my face when I passed out on the beach?
At the time it seemed romantic and its also extremely frowned down upon to leave a passed out person by themselves in an unfamiliar place.
Why did I wake up by myself then?
I mean like if I stood up my head might pull me down like an anchor
I knew things were bad when my gyno recommended meditation.
Hahaha she was way into you and you kept arguing about burritos. It was amazing.
So we decided we're going to stop having sex...except for tonight. And probably tomorrow.
i woke up this morning put my hand under the pillow and there was a banana there
I'm just wondering how Jon managed to get vomit ON THE CEILING?
Wait you actually sent a text to your self saying “love you I miss you"?
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