I may just buy something cuz i have 6 weddings in the next year and a half.
Holy shittt I don't even have a bf
I shagged another guy with one ball last night. Are there really that many dudes with one nut in la or am I just a magnet for prostetic testes?
At least they aren't charging us for the broken diving board...
There's banana everywhere and your hamster may or may not have stayed the night in the microwave...
He asked me if I could call his penis destroyer... Uhh SOS.
I'm trying to convey to the smoking hot Spanish cleaning lady at work that I want to bone her but I think it's getting lost in translation. How do you say "blowjob" in Spanish?
they superglued a cigarette to my fingers...i think I need to quit smoking.
I am almost positive I asked to milk her when I was saying my goodbyes.
my friend thinks you're hot & wants to fuck you ps i'm my friend
This Pinterest wedding planning is a good distraction. I'm great at this, my imaginary wedding is beautiful
Yeeeaahhh, I'm in no rush to dismiss a level 6 booty-call that pays my bar tabs and understands my Harry Potter obsession.
why does drunk me think that doing things like throwing up on my desk and all over my 15 page lab report is okay
Kellie accidentally ran into the car with two teenagers making out. made a big thud. there was a loud scream and she was gone...haven't seen her since
I just need you to stay far enough away that I can't smell your cologne. I completely forget that I fucking hate you as soon as I smell it.
It's less than a hour into 2020 and I already want to punch some people in the face
Randomize