there was 4 little kids screaming in high pitched voices at the top of their lungs at the sox game and their mom just leaned over to me and said 'if thats not birth control i dont know what is'
she said, and i quote, "i want to black out with my rack out"
basically theres shrimp everywhere. splattered on the walls, in the carpet, its bad. ohh theyre never gonna get the smell out.
She had forties taped to her hands and was trying to give him a hand job while he was passed out, with everyone in the living room.
She did my hair, then ate me out. Switching teams was an awesome decision.
All i've had today is coffee and ketchup packets. I need a job like yesterday.
We hit a golf ball off Brady's ass. His dignity flew away into the night.
I've been up for almost three hours and it took me until JUST NOW to figure out that what I'm tasting isn't blood, just the minerals in the water. Fuck hangovers, man.
Surely the maintenance men have seen worse than that condom right
Also CANADIAN LIPS TASTE OF MAPLE SYRUP AND APOLOGIES. SORRY.
I found dried jizz from last night on my leg while feeding an infant a bottle. I am not fit to care for children
Really I don't care what we're doing or watching. Your penis spends way too much time outside of my body.
Listen here, Ms. "I'm Gonna Get Super Drunk and Run From My Friends Screaming That They Were Going to Drag Her to a Scientology Recruitment Camp"...
I'm disgusted with myself. Who goes down on their Uber driver? This asshole
Booze, boobs, blunts and batman. dude, I'm livin' the life.
Randomize
