And you kept hanging up and calling back because you thought I wasn't greeting you properly.
Every single piece. I examined every single square inch of this peanut butter and jelly sandwich. and fell in love with every inch. that high.
I feel like I should lick our pitcher just so everyone knows its ours
I just woke up in his house on his bathroom floor with an IV in my arm.
Dont worry bro, i'll be the designated kayaker. I wouldnt want u to be drinking and kayaking.
Mehhh. I just tried to type 'extremely', and it auto corrected to 'creek rot'. IT KNOWS WHAT I LOOK LIKE
I turned around and there were three 10 year old kids running around with sparklers. Weirdest college part ever.
Welcome to Philly.
A dude I dated in high school just put a status about National Coming Out day. I checked his relationship status. He is dating a dude. Hello, Friday.
If I wear a tail on Halloween, how am I supposed to grind? Maybe I will just wear devil horns
If my emotions are below a 3 or above a 7, I'm crying
Don't take a pillow from my bed. You don't know which ones of them my vagina has been on
Someone threw up pink in the shower, there's a golf cart tipped over on the lawn and Cousin Brian is missing. What could Friday night throw at us?
I just watched two birds fight or fuck. It was crazy. Another bird was watching closer and I know that bird understood what was happening better than me.
She said she didn't care that I was gay and wants to ride the fucking rainbow
The sex would be better if it wasn’t interrupted because his home detention ankle monitor needed charging. At least I know he’s not cheating on me
Do you even hear yourself?
Randomize
