I wish i knew how bad drinking and hieghts were before i got up here
new revelation: five guys for breakfast
new revelation: previous revelation not a good revelation
NEVER shave your cleavage hair.
Just found my car keys in your throw-up.
Thats my favorite, when ex girlfriends become XL ex girlfriends
Dude. The walls are totally staring at me right now. I told you this was a bad idea.
Let's just cut to the chase. I'm not interested in anything romantic but I aAM interested in Tom Petty and maybe getting high and fucking you again for old times sake.
now that you've tased me I refuse to buy you flowers
Most awkward car ride ever. Kid in the front seat was bawling, 2 in the backseat were ready to fight, and I was giving the last kid a handie. This needs to stop happening to us.
You're not supposed to support this behaviour, btw the judge recognized me
So, the officer that worked my wreck, I'm rockin his world tonight. He saw me high on morphine in the ER. So he knows my level of crazy. Think he'll agree to wear his gun?
So many things can go wrong tonight.
Definitely just threw up in a mcds cup going through Wendy's drive thru. I'm way to hungover to go to work today
So... I may have accidentally just sat on a strip of a home waxing kit.. naked... Assistance is definitely needed....
This is a life or shit situation. Grab me toilet paper asap. This bathroom is fucking out. This is not a test. This an actual emergency and I am not joking.
She demanded to see my stimulus package, I had to go over.
Randomize
