i wish you could fill a pinata with booze
I'd just like to give a shout out to jesus and plan b for making this day possible.
I'm worried I'm going to miss my flight so I set a series of alarms on my phone to act as checkpoints to make sure I'll be there. 2am-stop drinking; 4am-stop fucking stephanie, get some sleep; 5am-wake up, fuck stephanie once more; 6am-get to the airport
Woke up next to a half eaten California burrito. It was tucked in.
what is it with giant penises always finding me
She kept biting his ear when he was talking to people, that was only 3 drinks in...
It was ths the worst 15 minutes of my life. . . It was like fucking a warm stick of butter.
It seems that only way I've actually improved myself after 2 years of writing for the school newspaper is that I've mastered the art of descriptive words to improve my sexting skills
I'm basically flying you out for a long weekend of sex and going to the zoo
I'm cool with that
Went to night shots with Kayla... she punched this guy and I got his friends number. Not sure if she's the best or worst wingman ever.
I sent you a snap of me in the bath, and you sent me a snap of a taco. An actual taco.
She says the reason I don't talk to her is because I'm "emotionally lazy" what ever that means
Safe to say we should stock up on nipple bandaids ladies
I just don't understand why we can't have sex in the house. I'll come see you but I'll have to think about the barn thing.
I should probably just LinkedIn request everyone I've ever slept with so they stop popping up on my suggested connections list
Randomize
