This ginger kid smells like a queef popsicle
Tell me I did not drive one hour for whiskey dick.
My dad assaulted a TSA agent this morning. Shut down airport security. Don't tell me that your family is embarrassing.
We watched a biography of Frida Kahlo in class today. It was depressing. A chick with a UNIBROW just put my sex life to shame.
The bartender just started bringing me gin and tonic in a pint glass to save himself trips...
you know, even black out drunk I can always remember the exact point where I should have stopped drinking.
there is a strobe light in my taxi. in what way is this safe.
Remember when I said "no boyfriend, no problems"? I lied. Tequila. Tequila is a problem.
My life is a joke. Told everyone last night that they could call me Mrs. McCormick because I'm gonna end up alone with a handle of peach vodka anyways.
Best part of Friday afternoon drinking? Having ping pong balls thrown into my cleavage.
Got super judged by this lady at the Rolling Stones concert last night. Bitch don't look so salty at my dad and I splitting two joints, an edible, and two margaritas. It's the stones.
The entire state will know me by my boobs.
Iron Man just asked me back to his place... Not sure I can handle this. Wish me luck.
I hear jingle bells and I can't tell if it's bc I'm feeling festive or just REALLY high
I was watchin a porno and I sware I saw that dude at the bar at applebees the other night
Randomize