Coffee flavored vodka sounded like such a good idea at the time. Now i never want to drink coffee again.
Just ate applesauce I laced with percocets for dinner. I'm pretty sure my grandmother does the same thing.
Woke up with my foot jammed into a VCR
Leave it to us to have a family reunion in a bar bathroom
im not even sure if i fucked her just woke up in her closet.
he asked me to lick his asshole and I told him his girlfriend could do that for him
She is screaming bc she thinks you jumped out the window...please show her you just went out for a smoke
We could have had it all. And by all I mean sex in your Toyota Corolla.
I asked him to make me two boxes of macaroni and cheese. That's like eight servings. How did I think that was an okay amount.
I just watched my ex butt chug a quart of eggnog. Why did I dump her again?
Just give me 5 advils and some sunglasses and I'll knock out on this couch no problem.
Leaving Denver airport I just saw a group of young Republicans in matching green T-shirts that said "4/20 Baby!"
I just remembered that before we left my house I vowed to stay fully clothed and I FAILED
He struggled for a second trying to unhook my bra and I said "4/10. Novice."
I came home and my mom goes "why are you barefoot and where the hell are your shoes?" and I replied "I have French fries"
Randomize
