I woke up this morning with "guy in polar bear j.crew boxers" written on my stomach along with a 5 digit phone number...
so chris just stuck his hand between rachel's legs and yelled 'TROUT!' and we were like...you're wasted
I had a bacon mcgriddle for the first time today. It was like eating a baby angel.
Guess whose mug shot is NOT on the Internet anymore?!?!
I tried to get you something for Valentine's Day too but they said they couldn't deliver skittles and ecstasy :(
Seriously! We need to take her a thank you note or something. She puts up with the drugs and the extremely loud sex. She deserves a thank you card.
I have a boner and a quesadilla why aren't you here
Can't decide if I want to watch full house or the fleet wood Mac concert during the presidential debate.
OHMYGOD I LITERALLY JUST FINISHED JERKING OFF AND MY MOM BUSTS IN AND HANDS ME A BABY WHAT THE FUCK IS GOING ON IN MY HOUSE JESUS H CHRIST!
I just put vagisil on my bug bites how do you think my morning is going
im questioning your sanity while also accepting your reality
WELP I KNOW THE HAPPY HOUR DRINKS WERE GOOD BECAUSE MOM JUST INFORMED ME I AM THE RESULT OF POKED HOLE IN THE DIAPHRAGM
This guy knew what he was doing. Most guys can't find the spot even if it shot off a flare and played a kazoo.
Did you see her happy birthday to emily on facebook? The gist of it is like: hey emily you almost died at birth im glad you didn't. love mom.
I just put together something from IKEA so that’s mandatory oral for a week.
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