I puked while I was brushing my teeth this morning and had to get a new tbrush
Ew, did you brush them again?
Yeah but i puked on the new one and decided to give up...failure
Was going to watch Bolt. Fucked a stranger instead. Details later.
So you didn't like Bolt?
he said i look beautiful when i cum. i think i'm in love.
i woke up on my kitchen floor, halfway through a text, and my mascara running... this is why i stopped drinking tequila
you were sitting on the floor cleaning up your own puke and telling my mom she should hire you as a maid.
We have to use a contraceptive. God help the world if another one of us comes into fruition.
She just had to change the song on the radio cause I was tap dancing on her windshield
Well it's a moot point because I did have a sink & I peed in it.
He asked for a foot job. Whatever. I guess I'm swimming in new slut waters tonight.
You need Xanax blowdarts
I need all the beers. I want to be holding on to the grass so I don't fall off the earth drunk.
I think the highlight of my night is when I was eating a mayonnaise sandwich. drunk me was on point.
I just watched will sing pure imagination from willy wonka and then blow a banana
you asked how they got the microwave in the air. we had to explain three times that it was mounted there until you finally feel asleep
Dad literally changed the channel from an episode of Big Bang Theory to another episode of Big Bang Theory. That's why I hate this show.
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