We need to talk in the morning. The guy I was with just interpreted me taking off my earrings as code for "let me take off my pants."
Let me start this apology by saying I'm sorry that I bit your penis.
I left puerto rico a week ago and my vagina still smells like coconut.
She called to say she's single and blow job season is back.
Speaking of ejaculate, did you get the side of your car cleaned off?
omg I just had an epiphany about why I grew into such a whore....
HAVE YOU EVER NOTICED WHAT THE SPICE GIRLS USED TO WEAR?!? those were my idols, I never stood a chance
So we get back to the hotel room and Tom strips off his clothes... His first sexual act as my fiance? Helicopter dick. I gave him a high five.
Second time this week margarita night turned homoerotic
I told the cop to try walking in heels and he'd understand why I was walking home without then on. He told me he only does that on Wednesdays.
If I get there and all he has for my big valentines surprise is his body, I'm dumping his ass and posting his dirty pictures on a porn site so people can laugh at him.
Yeah I was thinking something along the lines of "I almost died, lets celebrate with sex. Come over"
Moms love me. I'm the reminder that they need to turn safe search on.
There is an episode of "how it's made" on tv right now. The subject is tequila and water beds. Basically my life.
i was in class looking for a pencil and found a chicken strip in my back pack. i think i might have a problem.. sad thing is i ate it
I just saw a guy in a zippo shirt buy 2 gallons of fire starter fluid and then proceed to smoke a cigarette. I feel like hes got some big plans for his tuesday.
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