I hid a 6pack in the microwave for later
I knew I liked you
day 8: i just gave goat a piece of pineapple soaked in rum. as an animal science major, im ashamed. as a normal person, it was awesome.
He was making tequila spiked Arnold Palmers and murmuring things in Spanish.
I love foreign exchange students.
i can't decided whether the fact that her nipples are bigger then her palms is a problem or not
Who would win... a chainsaw pooping pterodactyl or a bear with machine guns for feet. big debate about this right now
I just feel like a little gay dolphin in a massive sea
Did I actually say goodbye last night or did I just poison you with vodka and disappear?
I fucking, woke up on a couch with a towel as a blanket to someones lion king ringtone.
Dude. The only thing that I use less than my dick is my tennis racket. We need to play.
You said you'd make me a thank you card for taking care of your drunk ass. I'll be expecting that monday.
When you have to have Siri remind you that you're on your period cuz you're so drunk you keep forgetting about tampons it might be time to call it a night.
75% of the time I swipe right on Bumble for girls over 40 is because I think their 18 year old daughter is hot.
I'm just going to take a nap and hope I wake up more attractive.
I just realized, you're dating a guy named Jameson. That is another level of whiskey dick.
I'd still fuck that
You'd fuck a dead moose
Quite possible
Randomize
