if I see one grey pube I'm spitting his penis out!
I gave him a handjob while watching the presidential address. Needless to say, it was weird.
while you were getting the key to the dorm from the lobby i was giving a drunk monolog to the security camera about my life
I just want you to know that were having pizza delivered to the emergency room
Jenna and Ryan are ranting and raving about child custody. MY VASECTOMY SMILES.
do you remember the combo for the lock to my pants?
i stole nothing, broke nothing, and stabbed nothing. aren't you proud of me?
Some guy was coming onto me last night and in the middle of it all he said: 'It literally says this on my birth certificate: Francis Coburt: The Guy Who Can Pull Two Beers Outta His Pants Like Magic.'
Well if your hearts not big enough, your penis certainly is. Just have a threesome
What exactly is it about Doctor Who thigh high socks with a matching shirt that says "take me I'm yours!"
Grandma and I are gonna see the new Tarzan movie, because we both appreciate shirtless Swedish men
You were on the train yelling, "THIS TRAIN NEEDS TO GO FASTER SO I CAN GO HAVE SEX WITH MY BOYFRIEND!!!"
Woke up this morning with a plate of ravioli in my bed. Who says being single can't be fun?
Let's make a rule now, to not smoke weed out of our trumpets. After tonight.
True life: I inadvertently fucked a whole friend group. More details to come tonight.
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