I fucked **** last night, don't tell mike
this is mike. we're done.
I drank too much. My snot smells like vodka when I blow my nose.
just realized we made a drinking game to how many times they say "hakuna matata" in the lion king last night... hello sophomore year.
Fuck men. I'm going to go eat a package of cookie dough and get fat. I hope I die of salmonella.
The guys had to come into the bar bathroom and pep talk us all off the floor
i feel like you're just hanging onto the edge of functioning wino.
I was going to text him and apologize but I didn't want him to think that meant I approved of him being my niece's booty call.
Your friend, the one I told I would brush his teeth with my tongue, what's his name again?
He told me he wants to eat me out all day while I lay in bed watching football. Seems like a solid foundation for a relationship to me.
It was right before we played jenga with champagne glasses for a good half hour
I saved him in my phone as "Well-Hung Burrito Savior." I love Taco Tuesday.
with the way the semester is going, being a stripper is starting to sound better and better everyday
If I die at work, I want you to have my mustache collection
you said, "I wonder what your mum is doing right now." in the middle of sex, of course I threw up on you.
I'm not gonna be naked if your not here. Thats like a waste of nakedness
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