I just woke up and found a naked man on my floor. Looks like Dad had a wild night of strip poker
If last night was a website it would be called poordecisions.com OR uncircumcisedspanishweiner.org
I've hooked up with three guys in my accounting class. I'm beginning to think my teacher failed me so I can start getting laid again.
$5 long island pitchers = roommate pissing on his laptop at 3am.
Its really bad when you fall asleep at a stop light outside the hotel and you wake up to a small spanish limo driver knocking on your window to tell you it's a green light
proof that my night is going well: I can still open doors
Half my face is frozen, my vagina is broken, I'm wearing only gym shorts eating a plate of mashed potatoes, avatar is on my tv. There's a naked guy on my couch whose name idk. I needa talk to you asap
I can't stream porn because Xbox live is taking all the Internet. I thought having a male roommate would make life easier.
James this is colleen. This is my new number. You just texted my grandma about getting cockblocked. Congratulations.
He said that I looked like a "ghost had crawled up into my vagina and died"..so yeah, I'd say the hangover was noticeable.
Why did you load my phone up with pics of Al Gore?
walked into my roommates bathroom to her throwing up a quesadilla while singing come on skinny taco
You've never really lived until you tell someone you have an STD over snap chat.
In your alcohol circus, can my act be juggling men? Let's be real, I can juggle multiple dick buddies better than a professional
Those people that talk about exercise endorphins have never experienced a 9x13 pan of mac n cheese endorphins
Randomize
