the only thing i knew about you is that u dated jordan and were potentially interested in a threesome
He just washed his hands with scrubbing bubbles yelling "They work hard so I don't have to!"
why are there beer bottles in my dishwasher?
just balanced a champagne glass on my gut. thanks to beer im a living breathing tempur-pedic mattress.
His hospital is closing...I consider it "sorry you're losing your job" sex.
thanks for waiting 12 hours to ask if I was in a ditch or not
remind me not to fuck anymore half bald 20 year olds. because obviously there's attachment issues
dude a monday night stripper made you motorboat her. you should get that checked out
He used the expression "my couch is your couch" as a come on line.
Me and two guys that I made Eskimo bros all soberly slept together in my bed
You kept trying to make cocktails with my protein powder last night...
It's like the hunger games, but we're gonna bone each other instead of kill each other
All I'm saying is Europe has not been easy on my vagina.
Dear Ex-Sister-in-Law, I never thought I would say this, but I just found your panties in my back seat. Please remind me to give them back.
A guy I don't even know just ate me out on a washing machine at a random persons afterparty. I came as it was going through spin cycle.Just kept thinking "who does laundry during a party?"
Randomize
