This fat girl in front of me just got on the bus to go 2 blocks. Do you think she ever wonders why shes fat?
you're like the Neil Armstrong of terrible hookups, you are a pioneer
You kept shouting "Relax and take notes" every time before you would hit the blunt
eating taco bell the same day as formal = probably a bad idea
so apparently dipping a tampon in red gatorade and throwing it out the window on the highway is a $100 fine
I'm not gonna lie. having my legs shaved for me in the morning was a lovely surprise.
please promise me that no matter what happens you will keep me away from the children
If you ever bitch out on 72oz margarita night again, this friendship is over
I mean, I thought you would respect me for turning your life around for the better. It seems just yesterday that I found you in a ditch with a cock in your mouth.
I fell asleep on the bus and woke up in Italian Las Vegas. Europe was a successful continent for me.
I also tried to solve my dog's itching problem with crystal healing. I'm so high, dude.
I just rubbed amethyst all over him and kept saying 'no bites.'
Judging by the progress I've made since I woke up (none) I'm thinking this hangover may keep me in bed.
And the prospective student I was showing around had to take care of me.
Well just saw that professor I hooked up with on campus and I look like a dumpster baby
I don't like kids.
You were literally holding a baby 5 minutes ago
I like them before they learn to speak and after they learn to think.
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