I fell asleep on the toilet again last night...
Its really not funny anymore. I need to stop shaving while i'm drunk
I didnt realize we were having a competition in poor decision making skills
how else could I explain the last few years
when she said she was from California you started sobbing. You begged her not to melt your popsicle because you paid good money for it and you just wanted to eat it in peace.
she tends to only attract lesbians and homeless men
Made fish tank punch. It's like trash can punch but in a fish tank. Also, my dad saw a picture I uploaded on Facebook and called me a pussy for only making 10 gallons.
She has puke on the back of her shirt not quite sure how the hell she did that
you did a full monologue with your sober self last night. different voices and everything.
I am in the bathroom at work, pooing while eating pretzels. Hungover Fridays are in full effect
I'm going as your incestuous sister. If thats not the perfect winglady I don't know what is.
Literally just napped at strip club. Don't know how long
I'm sorry you caught us fucking in your bathroom. If it makes you feel any better when I tried to put my pants back on I dropped them in the toilet.
WHAT A DUMBASS ugh I'm so glad he looks like a middle aged dad now
Hey! Happy Birthday! Could you do me a favor and bring my underwear to the bar?
Your participation in the democratic process makes me horny AF
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