Having your wife answer your cell was so lame. Maybe we can talk when you get your phone, your facebook account, and your balls back.
So I went on a date with this girl...and whos our waitress? My girlfriend got a second job she didn't tell me about to afford my bday present.
is it sad that I can recall my outfits by who took them off?
Because I can't get laid, I'm day-drinking and hunting squirrels in the backyard. You can take the girl out of Montana...
I think that's mostly how we became friends.
Well that, and your desire to put your penis in me.
His dick is hereby named Charles Dickens. Will's is less cerebral. I'd like to call it Pinnacle like the vodka we drank when we hooked up, but I feel like that's a compliment it doesn't deserve.
Did you hook up with him before or after he shaved off half of his eyebrow?
You threw up in a empty pizza box at Pizza Hut and opened the door with your face. So that maybe why it's bruised.
Next time, dont ever let me talk to a guy drunk, especially if I have class with him the next day
Who do you have class with??
The guy that pulled down his pants in the middle of the dance floor to show me his tattoo
I woke up with jello shots in pant pockets so I must've had fun
I was going to try being motivated today. But then I took a hit while still in bed.
Sexting is killing my work productivity but it's okay because I'm self-employed
The day I let him eat me out will be the day that Donald trump is an honest, kind, non-bigoted member of society
My Mormon mother just found a butt-plug in our AirBnB closet.
He ate me out on the front lawn of the post office. The people in the office across the road definitely got a show!
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