I woke up, mistook him for my ex, and started screaming. It was all that chest hair. I don't think this relationship is going anywhere.
this is a family affair. You're an embarrassment.
whatever it's not my family
Homeless guy on the metro is drinking beer out of a coke bottle. Hello friend.
We can't all go after the girl with the low self-esteem
I was going to call you an awful person for that. but then i realized we're both awful people.
Really* awful people.
You started a dance party so that you could steal their vodka and shouted "sailors out!"
Also I have uncooked pasta. I was hoping that could get cooked at your place. Don't ask about the circumstances that I came into ownership of uncooked pasta
She said, "awww, you're so sweet" after I started putting on a condom. How many STDs have I just contracted?
Opening beer with my teeth is getting easier the drunker I become.
It turns out my teeth are bleeding.
I woke up in confetti... confetti and shame
sex in a hospital.. check
Just when I thought I was growing up, I go out and TOTALLY REDEEM MYSELF
THERE IS A VERY SMALL CHILD YELLING OUTSIDE OF MY DOOR. THE NEXT TIME YOU TELL ME YOUR TOO BIG FOR A CONDOM I'M GOING TO PUNCH YOU IN THE DICK.
I got wine drunk and bought a hedgehog.
His beard looks like it smells like beer, cocaine and old pussy juice
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