Did you know that cab drivers don't take quarters for payment? They don't even like it when you ask.
That's why there are breakfast margaritas.
tell that swedish kid i didnt take his shotgun. he GAVE it to me.
we were shitfaced at work by 8pm. I had to stop myself from pouring vodka in everyone's cappuccino.
I'd like to introduce you to my friend, Moderation. Enjoy each other's company this weekend.
Your friend and I already don't get along
I definitely paid for a case and a fifth and all I got was 6 beers and a crown and coke. Wtf. Bar math sucks
What can I say, I bounce back quick. Never thought the line "my turtle died" would get me so many free drinks last night
I am 48% hangover, 48% bruises and 2% fingers I'm texting with.
I'd google it, but I don't really want my search history to say, "Name for masturbating on a flight."
I'm fucking a man old enough to be my father who is also dating my boss. What have you done with your life?
He fell into the beer pong table and broke it. Then he threatened to throw the toliet at us if we didn't let him keep playing
I asked you for a cigarette and you handed me your phone and told me to search for one
Far too many of our conversations end in us talking about sperm
One of my favorite March activities is cropdusting people while wearing a kilt.
He called me 'pal' while complimenting how well I took his load on my face. I've officially been fuckbuddy-zoned.
Randomize
