So it turns out the white chocolate in the bathroom is actually soap
i can't believe you bought a jetta. you know that's a girl car, right? if i hadn't had sex with you, i'd have no other proof you're straight.
Even though I wasn't drunk last night, I peed in the sink just so I could keep my record going
So basically our separate showers turned into one shower, to save water, which turned into a bath, which turned into sex on the bed, which turned into drinking beer in the bed, and thats what the stain is from... bud light. sorry.
he's been in the country 4 hours and we just did it in the closet. he called me "miss flirtatious in the cupboard." i'm in love.
I had to call maintenance to come unclog the toilet.
Something to remember me by.
You know me. im down for anything that could harm my well being. lets dress like dolphins so everyone will see what dicks they are.
He called it restless penis syndrome. I call it cheating.
nothing says "functioning mature adult" like sneaking beer out of your mom's fridge in a lunchbox
Worst luck of my entire life. Came in my own mouth
The notification you get from snapchat that someone took a screenie is like a formal declaration of blackmail.
I just want to emotionally destroy him but also find out how big his dick is so this is perfect
So, got kind of drunk last night, made out with some guy, and somehow stole his credit card. Don't even know.
he's annoying when i'm sober but vaguely hot when i'm drunk so yes i do have a preference and it goes by the name of vodka
i just turned on my printer and found 10 pounds of german chocolate inside. i think i found where you hid your candy last night
Randomize
