Whoa!!! Accidentally took a dump in chick's bathroom at Red Robin. 1 hr for coast to be clear. Women's farts sound like geese taking last breath. Liars.
just rolled a joint with wrapping paper.. and you say i have no christmas spirit
I just wanted to yell " i am not a shake weight!!"
She's the perfect storm when it comes to psycho stalkers
TOMORROW NIGHT CAN I HOLD YOU LIKE A BABY
In the memo line of the check she wrote sexual healing.
This is your typical drubkba Amy test. Shout out to jisus for auto correct
Holding a cold bottle of mikes hard lemonade against my pulverized taint....this is my Sunday night
soon, soon....
I don't believe you anymore. You're like the boy who cried coitus.....
Turns out he has a 6pack too. Alright adorable snapchatting manwhore dude, you win.
It all started with sending him a text about Spongebob. It escalated from there.
so like what it comes down to is do I wanna look like a boss ass bitch or do I wanna masturbate.
I made a nest in his bed. I'm not leaving
I knew it was you who came home last night because no one else would walk in at 3 am and start microwaving a burrito
I'm supposed to be at work in 10 min, I just woke up and am 45 min away...tinder for the win
Randomize
