Remember when I use to call my dick 'the pendulum'
wtf?
It is now the artist formerly known as 'insideyourgirlfriend'
fyi, i just bought my first strap-on. the little mermaid theme song was playing in the background.
I think a homeless person took a bath in my mouth while I was sleeping :(
You know its been a rough night when you wake up and the first thing you remember is your mom going skinny dipping.
I puked last after eating a volcano taco and drinking vodka. I felt like a fucking dragon.
i was gonna tell him a really embarassing story about you, but then i remembered im in all of them
These people keep looking at me like I'm the first person to ever eat ribs in a Home Depot.
We made a trail of cheez balls so we knew how to get back to te apartment.
Don't ever give your dog some hamburger at midnight. Its impossible to enjoy a late night burger when your dog just threw it up all over your carpet. Gremlin rules work with dogs.
Only you would have to block the fucking governor of Tennessee from reading your tweets
Last night he ate BBQ Pringles out of my boobs...I feel like it was moderately productive
National tequila day this year falls on a Monday. I've never been more disappointed in my life.
You planned on giving him head in the shower?
More like I just fell and it seemed like a good idea when I was down there
So this morning when I woke up. I found my refrigerator open and no more food. It was empty, I'm home alone for the week. Where in hell did that food go?
so i put my jacket on last night that you wore last weekend, and reach inside the pockets and find them full of goldfish...
the snack that smiles back:)
Randomize
