Life lesson: if you fart while talking to a girl outside, the smell does not dissipate, it just lingers around mocking you
I'll tell you what, we couldn't have asked for better binge-drinking weather.
I can't really talk right now. I'm getting on a plane to Oregon to go give a guy a bj. I'll see you in three days.
im getting coffee to go get coffee.
Im throwing up in my trash can so I can go throw up in the toilet. We're basically on the same level.
I promise a much better performance tomorrow than last night my penis has a bed time
They sat me on college avenue with a puke bucket and people were mistakenly throwing change in it. Got me enough money take a cab back to my apartment.
So. How about you can get tequila certified...
I don't think I will ever be as happy about anything as this man next to me on the bus eating Taco Bell.
Got my parents to pick me up from the party, take me to the bar and buy all my drinks, then drop me off at my booty calls house.
I'm having a funeral for my vibrator. Please be there. I need your dick for support.
Well, if you're anything like me you'll get a lot of ass when you turn 30, so that's a plus
Your grandma found me sleeping in my car this morning, and she wanted me to tell you she was going to church... Also, last night was amazing.
I don't even think NICOLE made a fool of herself last night...
your aware she lit herself on fire, right?
should i feel bad about fucking you on my front lawn the day before you set me up with your best friend?
You stole my car to go to your boyfriends. Now your parents are fucking in the next room at top volume, and I have no way to escape..thought you should know that the amount of therapy I'll be needing for this is expensive.
You're the best friend ever.
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