i wonder why nobody wants to date me...im doing a crossword at work and asked out loud: whats a 4 letter word for 'a reason to get married?'
i was like PREG?
In honor of tonight, my penis will make an appearance
Apparently, banging my bartender ex-girlfriend = free drinks again. Not every bad decision is a wrong decision.
One of my students just said I have "big mommy parts". Even third graders know that my tits are too big. God I love em.
You know the gilmore girls would be alright if it was on mute the whole time
i'm just sitting here going through her tagged pics, covering up different parts of her face to try and figure out exactly what it is that makes her so ugly.
No one understands that once a girl pours a handle of smirnoff all over herself, clearly she is wasted
Realistically anyone can come I don't care it's Boston what do I own boston? No. I just don't want people who are gonna give me "why are you doing that" kinda look when I take birthday shots out of my birthday babe shot glass necklace.
Wingman of the year award. I made out with her gay roommate in order for you to get laid. Better have been good.
The gay roommate was probably better than her. Consider yourself lucky.
It was almost as bad as the time I peed on the floor of the Pentagon's subway station.
Only you could successfully troll for dick at a Hillel bake sale.
I will gladly accept you into my home with open legs.
Wanna have a sleepover and take me to court in the morning?
I called you daddy and let you stick things in my butt, I am a damn 11.
it’s about to be september and all i keep thinking is what if i go (another) full calendar year without having sex?
Randomize
