Loo but I'm already drunk TINIGHT! CAPS ATTACK
The walk of shame is far, far worse on crutches.
my mom just found my flavored lube in the basement. she gave me a lecture about how "giving head is degrading" omg i feel sooooo bad for my dad
Not quite sure what happened last night. I'll drive your dresser over to you later.....
I had sex with her like 200 times, and she was only pregnant once, those are pretty good statistics.
I'm sorry for the texts and anything that I said that may have caused confusion, pain or irritation. I shall not be drinking again. Furthermore I will not be keeping a phone on me should I fail to adhere to the prior statement.
If 26 stitches didn't sober her up, nothing will.
Just Everbombed a Guiness to make up for cutting out early last night. Also the Mars probe. Happy birthday motherfucker!
Her dad high fived me on the way out the door. Not the reaction i expected after she came so loud.
I screamed so bad because I thought he was going for my sandwich forgetting it was in my hand
We exchanged snapchat usernames instead of numbers. Is that what America has come to?
I got a hand job after work. Remember those? From the 90s...
There's no sexy way to moan the name Ernest. Or Ernie. This relationship is fucked
I was so drunk, he put me to bed and went down stairs to hang out with his friends. Apparently, I was curled up in the closet, spooning the dresser when he came back up.
And by "sexually intimate," you mean fuck buddies?
Randomize
