sitting with a guy who's looking at the cum stains on the bed. Do you think he's convinced it's from the cat?
No. He thinks you're slutty.
i just ate something from under my fingernail. i dont know what it was, but it tasted half decent
we just got in the car and birthday sex is playing
that is a sign the 3 of us should have a threesome
we agree. completely
the best part about watching a meteor shower at 4 am is being able to masturbate in public and drink hot chocolate at the same time.
I think I just broke my ankle. I've only had one beer. I'm getting drunk before I go to the ER so it's less embarassing.
Her gay brother kept hitting on me and cockblocking me. Don't even begin to tell me how bad your night was.
Yeah that's one way to look at it on the other hand MY FUCKING BED CAUGHT ON FUCKING FIRE
He knows my period schedule but not my work schedule.
So hung over, I told one of the candidates she's hired if we can turn the lights off and take a nap instead of doing her interview. I feel like she has potential.
After I was arrested and in the back of the squad, she lit a cig. I politely stuck my head through the glass opening and asked for a drag. She instantly slammed my head back, blew smoke at me and shut the glass. My view on state trooper chicks is forever tainted.
But how will the next generation learn about life choices without a Jersery Shore?
Aaaaand now he just flexed his muscles at me and said "I'm a fucking eagle!"
Grab some lube and condoms and you get a free shirt? College is weird
Worst date ever. Bro she asked when we can start having kids because her clock was ticking.
Run dude. Just run
I'm ordering sushi and crying over finals. Come over and bring wine.
Randomize
