Blow job in a bar bathroom for my Thing 1 while in a onezie dressed up as Thing 2. Best Halloween ever.
I bet the Cat in the Hat never caused mischief like that.
im standing in line right now while the 711 manager calls other locations to see if they have the john cena collectors slurpee cup in stock...yep i need to get laid
She seriously pointed at the couch and asked me if she could "ride the talking giraffe". I'll never serve everclear again.
Not sure why, but I was running back and forth across the road. Cab hit me and gave us a free ride home.
Awkward moment: seeing and saying hey to the MILF you're sleeping with while shopping with your mother and sister.
bro i dont care how hot she was, you try keeping it up with the amount of puppet he had in her room, it was like fucking in jeff dunham's house
I just passed a kid trying to leave on a lawn mower
for real. if he messaged me that i'd have made his penis cower in a corner.
my mom said i came home and fell asleep on the floor. like right in front of her.
You attempted what you called the "Long Island Heist", in which you shoved a half glass of Long Island down your pants and asked me to help you sneak it out. That drunk.
Never in my life did I think i would give a blow job in the bathroom of my old elementary school. Twice.
idk i was trying to watch Fuller House and you got up out of a dead sleep, just in your boxers, said "no more Dave Coulier" and walked out to the living room and unplugged the router
So apparently being drunk at work isn't allowed.. who knew?
Just realized tomorrow is the anniversary of the time Dean and I glued DJ's leg back together with Neosporin and an Ace bandage. I'm bringing red velvet cupcakes to the party to celebrate.
Yeah. I hurt his pride. But he's not over it. And by it I mean me.
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