i'm like carrie bradshaw but prettier and with a penis
You looked cold, so i decided to make you a blanket out of sticky notes.
Hahaha I asked him about her bjs and he said "I would not wish that on anyone"
Seriously this night has "go home now before you cry, puke or scream on someone" written all over it.
Apparently, I showed up wrapped in caution tape and immediately jumped on the stripper pole and started making very sexual gestures at the birthday girl. We lasted ten minutes.
The thing is that despite the high paying career and the increased responsibility, my life hasn't changed that much. Only instead of blacking out on $2 wells at some dive I blackout on top shelf martinis in a suit. Oh and only on Fri & Sat nights. Being 30 doesn't suck as bad as everyone led me to believe.
All I know is she walked in crying with a bag of limes and a bottle of tequila and has been locked in her room blasting lil wayne ever since.
i looked down and was like "oh shit thats blood" then it was like "shit, thats not my blood." then it was like whos blood is this??
Woke up in a sombrero and a males speedo. Tequila makes normal peoples clothes fall off, however it makes me fall into a questionable identity crisis
Also this just in, I think you could see my sequins underwear that say unwrap me through my leggings all day while I hung out with his family
Woke up, bank account is empty. Sock is still full of blood. Nothing in my pockets but a wireless mic and jenga pieces.
Dude she literally licked him. He was covered in cheese and in her high state what else was she gonna do?
her idea of a romantic time is a bottle of jager, some Guacamole and chips.
can't go wrong with guac.
Yelled "don't taze me bro" as the police officer tazed me. Cross it off the list.
If you left your bike out in front, I just watched some dude steal it.
Randomize
