my head looks like a cockatoo
mine looks like a lions mane...looks like the entire zoo is going to prom
I just threw up, I'm either bulemic or pregnant, and I'm now accepting bets on which it is
i feel like even strangers are annoyed with me because of how drunk i was last night
Yeah well I just ate cereal out of a muffin pan with a fork. I'll flip a coin as to who has to tackle that pile of dishes we've neglected for 3 weeks.
I just had to take a drug test for my new job. I should have asked them if they could tell me if I were pregnant or not while they were at it and save me the guesswork.
Question: does the slut gene come from the mother or the father? im trying to figure out who to blame.
I knew my sign language would come in handy. I just used sign to coordinate a coke deal.
On a scale of one to liver failure, how bad would it be if I played thunderstruck alone?
You thought you were drunk? I woke up at 6 o'clock this morning with a cheeseburger in my left hand a drink in my right with my window half way down. it was raining.... fml
I caught myself flirting with clients today. Someone needs to take me to pound town before I self destruct. This is a code red. I repeat code red.
For once I am not in the mood. My vagina is good with life at the moment.
The apocalypse has arrived.
I'm going through what feels like a break up with beer. I'm emotionally distraught from it's lack of presence.
I'm drunk enough to know I'm texting you and sober enough to know what I'm saying to you
Just bumped into my ex. Blowing a dude in the ladies' room at Disney World. I guess it really was her not me.
Ugh. I need to go to the store, but I'm too lazy. Whatever shall I do? That girls still passed out. I should steal her car
Randomize
