A few issues tonight. 1) Drunk since 1pm. 2) At the bar at 4pm. 3) James brought his sister, who has enormous breasts, isnt shy about cleavage, obviously slutty, and makes me want to do things that would even have Atheists sending me to hell. However, she's wearing glitter, so all Im thinking about is Edward Cullen. Go ahead and rip up my Man Card.
I believe that I finger-banged my way to the top of the corporate ladder.
She turned over and said "You smell like my dad, i just can't do this"
i do not condone bathtub ky wrestling
My scrabble letters just formed failure. Thanks God.
His room was full of guns. It was like having sex with Clint Eastwood.
Well sundance is in town and Im going to use my one and only shot to bang Taylor swift... Does it count as a random if shes famous?
So as I left the Australian's hotel room, I said "Welcome to America. You're going to do just fine here."
Was there a Canadian at your party or did I dream that?
Rick two cubicles down puked and that triggered three others puking into their trash cans as well. The janitorial staff hates it when we go drinking on a work night.
People were running around punching out the ceiling tiles Super Mario style.
Pretty sure I'm about to get another tattoo. It'll have mom in there somewhere for Mother's Day.
The fact that he quoted freebird as his breakup speech was a little more classy than expected
If I die it's either cuz I undercooked my burger or because I used questionable cheese. I have no pants on, so if there's a wellness check, you go in first.
I knew it was you who came home last night because no one else would walk in at 3 am and start microwaving a burrito
Randomize
