She was drunk and kept trying to talk while I was in her mouth. It sounded like the teacher from a Charlie Brown cartoon!
Is it sad that I find it completely normal that I just took batteries out of a vibrator to put them in a pencil sharpener so I could do homework?
I find this completely acceptable.
Lowest moment of my life just occurred. I literally threw up all over myself in front of my parents.
just remind me when i get fired soon that august is the month i started pregaming work
i was taking a dump when this random girl ran in, puked all over my lap, then passed out on the floor
did you bang her?
seriously?
on todays agenda: meeting with a life coach then going to the dollar store to buy batteries for my vibrator. clearly im still unemployed.
Just gave a urinal high five to a complete stranger. Might not be such a bad night after all
Sorry for locking you out after accusing you of eating my Skittles... I realized I was mistaken after just throwing up the rainbow.
you don't know true fear until you are a convinced that velociraptors are trying to kill you through your roof.
so...the lady doing my pedi totally noticed the human bite marks on my calf. Who says marriage ends your sex life? Love u!
see that vagina ? that vagina means business
I wrote an entire paper in under an hour about The Nightmare Before Christmas. I was also high as shit and pretty sure I dedicated half the page to the animation but still.
I'm going to come in the middle of the night and attack you with spoons
He said he’s shouting let’s get this bread the first time we have sex...
He’s very straightforward
You're swimming in an imaginary pool of pudding. What do you think?
Randomize
