i don't know her name but she is cooking me brkfst then helpin me find my car.
she hot?
i don't wanna talk about it
Call me back. I want to hear your side of the dead cat in my garage story.
Now there are two cop cars. If I go to jail I just would like to thank you for making me wear boxers.
Come over and play the Jeter 3000 drinking game. You drink if the commentators say "captain" or "3000". I'll drink if they say "overrated" or "past his prime".
The blackout version of me left a ransom note to the sober self. Somebody needs to control that guy
The worst part about being a grammar Nazi is all the porn I skip over because the titles are misspelled
Felt so good this afternoon, figured I wouldn't have a comedown. Wrong. Just realized I've been staring at a wall for 40 minutes contemplating the color yellow.
I was telling everyone at the frat that they had to try the "fantastic refreshment" that was everclear, vodka and country time
i chased my gummy vitamins with cold bacon, never say I don't take care of myself
We've had gay sex and pie, the holiday season has officially begun.
His abs are so defined he looks like a human xylophone.
I woke up and found that i was using my computer as a pillow. i had 53 pages of random letters on Microsoft word
You know when your cat drags a dead bird into the the house as a present and drops it at your feet looking all pleased because it thinks you'll be pleased? That's what sex with him was like.
I really don't think my body can handle another night of drinking
Lol you talk like you have a choice
I am worried that I am gonna die before the weekend is over
I'm on someone's yacht. I don't know who. But I'm on it. There's a guy passed out in a kilt holding bagpipes. Help.
Randomize
