I left when they started reinacting what appeared to be a jerry springer episode
I woke up this morning with gum gluing my ass cheeks together..
I can't decide if I actually want to know or not..
I just remember taking her cat for a walk around 3 am then falling asleep in a slide at the park
I stayed up for hours making sure you didnt pass out in a mountain of your own puke. But when I heard you yell AWWWW FUUCCKK, somehow I knew everything would be ok
She bit a glass in half.
You're going to have to buy me a lot of drinks before the bee suit goes on...
Chances are I'll be there for your wedding. Camelbaks filled with jack and coke are appropriate attire, right?
If I don't at least start a parade that spirals into drunken riots then I'm calling it a fail of a birthday
nothing like a call from your drunk grandpa at midnight on a wednesday to ask your parents if you're registered to vote...
Welcome to a new world. May the gods of weed smile upon you as you embark on exploring this new dimension.
Meanwhile she's getting her law degree and I'm dropping Cool Ranch Doritos down my bra because I'm laying down eating on the couch
There are five fire trucks here and needless to say my booty call left so come back home whenever you like
I'm tired of being known as the Great Giver Goddess of the Almighty Pity Bone.
Woke up. Found about 20 condoms upstairs. A hole in the couch. Bread on the floor. Going back to sleep.
But being sober is boring. Everything takes so long, I feel like I'm just waiting in line to die.
Randomize
