We're lucky we aren't prostitutes by now. Whats the etiquette for returning a pair of heels with blood on them?
He gets a blow job; I get my oil changed free of charge. And that way I only see him every 2500 miles.
Her bed is on wheels, so we woke up in the kitchen.
Do you ever just look at me and get embarrassed?
She just started grabbing all the hospital's rubber gloves and face masks and shoving them in her purse, saying, "My tax money paid for these!"
Oh God! I'm naked from the waist down playing records. Too drunk. I don't even know what to do.
Balls out but with a shirt on. Eating ravioli. I don't know how to deal with this.
I think people like me is why alcohol became illegal at one point
I started scrolling back in our texts looking for context and a picture of your dick rose like the Great Pumpkin in the middle of my screen.
mom is telling me the setting in which I was conceived
did you know we used to have a pool?
Cool. I might be making a sickly but incredibly well dressed wine drunk appearance in a couple hours
So basically he is jobless, a potential serial killer, and has poor taste in music? We simply don't have time for that.
Let us rub each other in fish scales and become mermaids
I got drunk and bought a house last night. Also, I threw up on Mike's lawn. I'm pretty excited about one of those two things.
How did I get up here...did jesus lift me up
He’s only in town today and our afternoon sex sesh kept getting interrupted by the neighbor’s kid yelling and screaming in the pool
Randomize
