Just met a synchronized swimmer, can you imagine the things she could do in the water
Legs for days
Harpoon that
no more stoned jack in the box. this is the third night in a row.
We just used hot candle wax from our joint lighting candle to make a bunch of new small ones how stoned are we
wait a second... your telling me you want me to take you to the bank at 10 on a tuesday so you can buy a blow up pool and fill it with beer?
yes... and buy you lunch
She was really sick last night--but i was too drunk to bring her chicken noodle soup after the bar, so went by taco bell and got her a chicken burrito instead
I think I want to impress his gay best friend more than him..
I just tried on my "outfit" for tonight and I should just wear sweatpants and a sign on my face that says I like it in the ass. That would be more comfortable
What kind of outfit says I totes want you to take me in the airplane bathroom?
I literally just biked home like I was on the last leg about to win the tour du France. Fuck diarrhea
I set up her keyboard so that no matter what she does, it will open up RedTube. Click and command Q all you like, its going to porn. No I play the waiting game
My vagina was just really confused why you weren't inside it
I was laying out of the open window, talking with him on the phone, while we were both puking at the same time.. Guys at the party called it "true love"..
He found his first fuckbuddy I'm so proud I feel like making him a card or something
I started crying during a meeting at work and now I'm sitting on my couch drinking boxed wine at 1:30 in the afternoon. Fuck you too estrogen.
The last time I was on vacation the pandemic blew up. Can't wait to see how my vacation fucks up the world this time.
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