so I think I'm done having sex with her, she's way too crazy
what about the blowjobs for adderall?
no those are still okay
You drew a self portrait of yourself on his wall with sharpie.
While my grandpa showed the family a slide show he accidentally included a topless photo of his new gf.
well.. I tried flushing my sandals down the toilet
my post shower fart this morning sounded like hulk ripping through a phonebook
SHE SITS THERE LIKE A DICK LIKE AN ACTUAL DICK JUST LIMP AND DUMB AND BLAH
A blind man just put his face in my cleavage. I'm also crying.
Yea... The gym isn't gunna happen today... When I was drunk last night I tried to prove I could front flip off the wheel cover of a semi... I fucked up my shoulder pretty bad... It was more of a roll
I just finished a four mile round trip walk to CVS to buy shaving cream and lube. You're welcome.
You said you couldn't use your body anymore so you made me push the buttons on your phone while you made alien sound effects
Also day 6: dick is healed and ready to go back to work.
If you get me a sex toy for Christmas everyone in my family will question our relationship.
Makes hanging out interesting when she lights you on fire just to roll ontop of you to 'put you out'.
We couldn't find her anywhere. Finally, I saw her sitting in my bathroom floor spraying hair mouse into her mouth and whispering "I fucking love whipped cream." WHAT DID YOU GIVE HER AND CAN I HAVE SOME?
I just want to find somebody intelligent enough to trick my parents into thinking she's not a trophy wife. Is that too much to ask?
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