You burnt your salmon and tried to mail it. Post marked to: Starving Kid in Africa
My cleaning lady just walked in the kitchen and i had a hardcore boner. I dont know what awkward is anymore
i am literally watching eva make a trashbag diaper for you to sleep in tonight. whole new level of low for you.
He just reenacted his orgasm in front of my roommates....using a squeeze bottle of mayonnaise.
You know how girls with huge tits have back problems? Do you get knee problems or something?
I am making pancakes and watching Spongebob Squarepants. My life is a waste of youth.
Hypothetical Question: Would you take a cougar bullet for me?
Not much. Some creepy guy on Grindr thinks he knows who I am and where I live. So I sent him to that place with jockstraps and bacon. Hope he has fun.
I'm not going to pass up the opportunity to be half naked and covered in glitter without facing judgement or legal prosecution. I'll be there.
Well sort of got busted by a cop while having sex outside, so your call
Remember the girl I had sex with in the dorm stairwell? She got married!
I want an apology pizza with SORRY IM A DOUCHE spelled out on it in pepperoni
dude idk where I am. fuckin like. there wheat field and a horizon and shit. I think I got on a bus? some dude named Sam gave me a pamphlet about Jesus.
If sleeping with your boss doesnt scream job security i dont know what does.
Granted, I did not plan to spend ANY hour of the last day of 2020 sober.
Randomize
