So I'm stoned for 420, and have an eye doctor appointment in fifteen minutes
Are your eyes okay
I mean if I was Asian they would be
O no, u 2 are dating again?
No. I just masturbate furiously to his picture
Found her laying down in a booth in iHop. She's a keeper.
When black out puking doesn't involve crying and promises to never get drunk again... to just a subtle, 'excuse me while I go vomit in the bathroom of this bar'.. you know you've finally grown up.
I mean I'm forever immortalized as the one who puked in his dad's straw hat.
They're like penises that have been put in a blender.
i love being in ibiza. their hotels are much more receptive to walking around naked in the lobby than our american ones.
Remember when we had a keg, and then another 5 cases... and like 30 people drank it all?
Everything hurts.
The weed is temporarily burning the grammar section of my brain library.
The squirrels are partying on my roof again. Now they're just rubbing it in that I'm home alone on a Saturday night and they're having orgies.
This stupid maranara sauce stain sucks. It keeps distracting me and it looks like I'm staring at my tits.
I can't put those talents on a resume
I went on a psycho cleaning spree so I feel I've earned the right to spend the day in bed watching porn and eating sausage biscuits. If you bring alcohol you can join me.
All other girlfriends are inferior. You are the chosen one.
Yeah I mean subtle isn't how I'd describe your flirtation strategy last night
I should never have to text my best friend asking if she eloped again last night.
Randomize