Just try to lay there and not be pregnant.
Drunk. Just jacked off for the third time in an hour. I love not being Catholic anymore.
I just watched a blind kid buy from one of the vending machines on campus...guess there's nothing like a good surprise?
they found her hiding behind the couch trying to feed a cabbage patch doll a bottle of tequila. please tell me she's on birth control.
not sure how we got back down, broken rib says we didn't use stairs
just filed my taxes drunk as balls. i may be going to jail.
He said you stopped mid-fuck, called fives on his dick, walked out to grab another drink, and came back.
New low: just got woken up by my 9 year old cousin throwing an empty at me and telling me to get my life together.
Oh my god he's laying on a longboard singing the song from cool runnings.
I think the blind guy i flirt with on a regular basis is starting to realize he's old enough to be my father. I can't tell if he's into it or not.
I'm just impressed that you can puke without losing your gum
I knew how high you were when you put a french fry in your mouth and said 'fuck, this tastes like meat but feels blue.'
He was out clubbing with his SON. WHY did you let me KISS HIM? Also WHERE WAS HIS SON?!
Our love of vodka is more proof than a maternity test
Hey do u remember the time we used my mascara wand as a drink stirer?
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