I just pynch a tree in the face
I'm starting a business if you want to get involved
oh boy
Its called Cut N Tugs, haircuts with happy endings
The men handing out bibles on the quad are blatantly skipping me... am i that obvious
we were doing it doggy-style and i felt him pop that pimple on my back.I have mixed feelings about it
Swear. I think after passing out in a community college parking lot I can safely nominate myself for the piece of shit of the year award
they found her hiding behind the couch trying to feed a cabbage patch doll a bottle of tequila. please tell me she's on birth control.
Look if you're not going to be mine and take care of my needs, I'm going to fuck your sisters.
He bought me a burrito. I introduced him as "Horse-Dicked Jake" all night. My debt has been repaid.
What?! Why else would they put table cloths on a table if not for discreet oral sex? That's why they were invented! Read a book...
So what's going on?
We hit boys town to get stupid. I mean invading Iraq stupid.
Is it bad I'm drunk at orientation
You've been there for 12 hours, what are you supposed to be doing
Not be drunk
He sent me a picture of Reese's peanut butter cups next to his dick. Of course I went over.
I think I gave the bachelor party directions to the breweries next to my dentist so that they could take me to my appointment and pick me up afterward...
His face matches his life choices. Both are train wrecks.
I’m gonna slowly take you in my mouth and push you deep into my throat so my lips are right up against your body and then I’m gonna fucking bite your shit off if one more of our friends shows me a snap you took while I was giving you head. Are we clear?
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