She told me she only masterbates to Kenny Rogers songs.
OMG. What did u say?
I told her I did too.
My clean wipe streak was ended today by two enchiladas and a can of refried beans. dammit i should have been more cautious. thanks for all ur encouragement and support.
Mario Lopez is the poor mans Ryan Seacrest
What's the point in getting all dressed up and going when i'm just gonna throw up on myself by midnight?
just dd'd my mom home while she begged me to let her drunk dial my ex, jammed out to party in the usa, and then passed the fuck out. thanks for the genes mom.
She guessed my name 9 times, and 5 of those times she guessed Mike. Figured that'd be an easy target for the night.
I just told a dude I hooked up with last night he was the pick of the litter.
I was just referred to as 'the margarita slut' by an 11 year old.
I just want you to sit on my face and to tell you you're pretty. Most girls would leap at this opportunity.
apparently I crawled into someone's bed and demanded they call me 'big dog' before shotgunning a beer
am i gonna have visuals on this?
you are gonna see the trees puking up fireworks and ninja pheonixes will shit rainbows and fire
His new place is a molesden. Like a hole in the ground. It's frightening how oddly private it is.
It rubs the lotion on it's foreskin...
We ended up at an Asian frat. I made out with two Mexicans at the same time and I pulled a muscle in my leg from twerking too low. Diversity.
my ass is still wet. this is highly unpleasant. give me 5 to get changed and I'm all yours. or you can yell things to me while I shower and burn clothes
What's the polite way to say "hey I don't actually want to fuck you, I just swiped right on you because you didn't like me in high school and I needed validation"
Randomize
