when i woke up i was missing $380 from my bank account
damn...impressive bar tab
no i guess i bought a gasoline powered blender off ebay, i need a breathalyzer for my computer
I've decided that I only have enough money to either eat or drink over the next month. I'm sure you know what choice I've made.
Nope, didn't see her. We left when you told us you were going to make the " big beef burrito supreme" even more supreme and you took your dick out.
May God have mercy on my new vibrator.
I wish I had a waterproof laptop so that I would watch porn in the shower.
i totally fed the cab driver fruit salad with my hands while he was driving
Sweet and genuine is kinda lame. I'm more of a bust all over your face and hair kinda guy.
Uhm the hair is off limits bro, conditioner can only go so far.
Bro? You just made it a target.
And we won't even have to pay the tab if we die AT the bar. So..win win.
Thanks for walking over, a conversation about David Bowie's dick as a muppet is exactly what my day was missing.
I never should have let my cousin and his pregnant girlfriend move in with me. I'm never having sex again. They scare off men more than 'my dream wedding' pin board.
Found a piece of twizzler in my buttcrack.
I'm wearing fairy wings and I broke my wizard staff. If this isn't the most happy but sad moment of my life , I don't know what is.
Called my house today and my 10 year old brother answered and asked if I was still in jail
If you had amazing eyebrows i'd have sex with them.
There is a french fry attached to my steering wheel and a note that says "eat me yum yum" can you explain this?
Randomize
