i jhust puked up my retainher.
we did it on the carpet and she just yells out "OH. MY PSORIASIS".
If i could bang her from 80ft away, I would
just met our mailman at a party, he asked me out. i said yes, but only if he picks me up in the mail truck. how jealous are you
so i definitely just saw 2 cops high five each other as they were arresting underage drinkers in 5 points.
Somehow I managed to make my Dunkin Donuts uniform look slutty. And I'm not even wearing hoops.
He dared me to drink a bottle of olive oil in exchange for a 30 pack... So much for loosing the freshman fifteen this year.
I got 87 likes on my changed relationship status. It's official. I'm way more fucking awesome single.
They're mostly guys
Early bird gets the worm.
Seriously though, you almost tore my right nipple off.
Do they mail horrible human being awards or do I have to pick it up or what's the protocol on that shit
Wearing rip off pants to a booty call last night was one of my most brilliant ideas ever.
You grabbed my shirt and said, "hope you're not attached" and ripped it off before I could answer you.
He sang a ten minute song about me sitting on his face and eating quesadillas. Pretty sure I have to marry him.
my roommate had drunk sex above me in our bunk bed and then built me a fort to apologize the next day
Well, for starters, you were growling and slurping beer from a puddle on the carpet. Let's all hope that was beer...
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