I am watching the symphony and have decided that violin players probably give really good hand jobs.
she was talking at me constantly for like 20mins. i kept praying for a brain hernia but it kept not happening...
Whatever you gave me is making me lactate
I was in the freezer we were knocking over shit. Speaking of which i asked my boss. I can hook up with girls in the freezer
Yeah just sayin. Whenever you want to come over and wank me off you can
Come on Nikki god gave you a vagina for a reason, so you could tell guys what kind of shots to buy you
Ive consumed more rum studying for law school finals than I did that time I fucked that fat chick in the back of VW Beetle. It's all ugly, but for different reasons.
I woke up on your bathroom floor, i used your towel I found laying on the floor as a cape to get to your bed. I thought it would help me walk straight if I looked like a superhero
i know i saw many looks of jealousy when i walked solo into subway carrying a cheesy gordida crunch after taco bell closing hours
I'm sure for most of the people, it was the one and only miracle they will see
WHY WOULD YOU SWIPE RIGHT???!!!!!
The same reason I ordered and ate almost an entire pizza last night
Santa tracker drinking game, you in or what?
Tempted to tell the Titos promoters at this bar that they are doing the lords work.
Your not drunk until you have to grab on to the grass to keep from falling off the earth.
I have nice boobs. Don't wanna deprive anyone of the experience.
You're a saint.
I know it sounds cheesy, but i think both me and her mum know they are "thanks for being so cool about finding nudes of your daughter on the camera" flowers
Did you have a good sleep?
if a good sleep includes waking up cuddling a bottle of wine I had a GREAT sleep
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