kindergarten is hard when you're hung over.
I don't understand how people can have that much vomit in them
if you google earth my address you can see me getting out of my car. finally my moment of being famous
Just rolled over and realized my vodka goggles are not as functional as my beer goggles
i almost got kicked out of the rave because i was trying to get in on some couple's makeout sessions
its 9am and we're in an escalade. I have no shoes and my dress is on backwards. I feel like we're the morning after a rap video
Those foam number one hands, are the BEST socks.
Oh boy. Send him a care package with laxative cookies and alcohol. So he can shit himself while he's passed out drunk.
I can't wait till we are old and wrinkly and I can turn to you and ask, "Remember when you Rick Jamesed the shit out of that couch??"
I wanted to make out with that blonde just so I could deck her boyfriend and make things interesting.
At least that would be something.
We fucked on a kid's slide, my vagina is singing praises of being used
I couldn't think of the word "bath" so instead I told him I was marinating in soapy water
I've had to take two showers today and it's not even 1 o'clock. Why won't this weekend wash off?
She started throwing ice at me and started yelling, "Holy water bitches! This is an exorcism!"
We just finished having sex and as soon as we get out of bed he yells "trust fall" and runs me over
Randomize