Heard at work: Get out of my face before I cuntpunch you so hard your granddaughters have miscarriages. I love my job.
I'm moving there. Get me hired.
"Worlds Wildest Videos" should be called "Crazy White People"
im at planned parenthood. the form wants to know what our usual form of contraception is?
anal.
last thing I heard her say before I passed out was 'this is great. I never get to be the big spoon.'
He had a huge mole on his dick. Genetics has cockblocked him for life.
She just sent me videos of her blowing my little bro and my best friend... worst. ex. ever.
There's a skateboard on the patio and all the chips are gone. The note on the fridge says 'don't buy cheese'. Stop letting her go outside.
He was like an artic tracker. Walked ten paces from the tree, then 15 paces from the mailbox, dug down in the snow, and pulled up the case of beer he hid from his parents out there. It tasted like ice cold success.
Did you ask me to bring you a t-shirt to class or did I just dream that?
No, I did. It's a long story.
I shit myself. Legit. And I burnt my tongue. Unrelated incidents, but related in the sense of general discomfort.
Well, I made it thru a doorway, so I think things are going good.
I can't thank you enough for the well-timed blowjob. What a huge improvement in my outlook on the day.
so I was eating out this girl who was wearing my pirate hat In an alley behind the bar last night and some girl walks up and takes a picture. apparently we had a crowd of about 10 and it turned her on so she just didn't tell me
I just had sex on a roof
You kept calling yourself a spider monkey... Then ran to the bathroom to "prepare for the main event"
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