btw, your gf is going to want to talk to you today...and consequently you're probably not going to want to talk to me...just a heads up
Took her home last night and it was like trying to put an oyster in a slot machine. I may have drank a little too much.
we were watching porn and trying to copy the position they were doing now i think my hip is dislocated
Only your wife would write 'for deposit only' on the back of that $1500 check knowing full and well our capabilities of spending it on strippers and booze
You started laughing mid-cry and when I asked you said, "my tears taste like vodka."
I drove 5 hours to see her. She thanked me by getting shitfaced, inviting her boyfriend over, and making me sleep on the couch after I cooked for them and did the dishes. You're right. I'm a fucking doormat.
You hopped on the counter after puking, and told us you were wearing bare feet and didn't want to be alone.
Tonight was the second time that I've pretended like English was my 2nd language to avoid conversation w a creeper.
Nothings harder than putting on a frozen condom.. or should I say softer
you know she was a bad idea when your mom offers to pay for an eHarmony account
Is there a polite/non-lush way to ask how alcohol ranks on their list of priorities? Because like idk how to break the ice furreal.
i just told him to get ready, because I'm going to be taking out my anger over the Super Bowl out on his penis.
He was really cute! And I know but it's just like getting my fix ya know? He's basically a human vibrator.
I'm driving to work hungover. I feel like I got hit by a train and then drank that train too.
Dont care about too tired for sex, thank you for leaving your laser pointer. I have now determined both my cats are stupid.
Randomize
