I'm a big fan of 2 things right now: 1) Gatorade and 2) the fetal position
the reason why you were crawling on your hands and knees from room to room last night was because you thought the ceiling fans were chasing you...
that makes sense.
a slip n slide in 50degree weather was the 2nd dumbest thing i have ever done. the 1st was hitting the wooden fence i believed was supposed to "help us stop"
i only understood the part that said mucho orgasmos
apparently breaking a beer bottle and then throwing up in a urinal is a terrible way to pick up girls.
Please tell me why your entire hallway smells like microwaved condoms.
Babysitting for someone you accidently sent nudies to is so fucking awkward.
You overflowed the toilet cuz you tried to flush apples. you said they were singing too loudly
It's like you're the one guy who got the "girls have clits" memo.
It was like something out of a fucked up fairy tale. He just crowdsurfed over to her while riding a keg, said "come sail with me", and then the crowd carried them off into the night. What.
you'll probably come home to me baked as fuck and shirtless
When she saw "buy condoms" on my to do list she figured out pretty quick we were breaking up.
Okay, yeah, judgmental guy at 7/11. I'm buying g wine at 10:20 in the morning. You wanna fight about it?
sexting just seems like too much work right now.
dude, where did you go? french fries taste like numbers
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