I could swear I did coke with Jesus last night
He wanted to put Kesha on after he came in my mouth. I had to draw some sort of trashy, gay line.
It's been 5 months since I last wore a condom.
Not including when spray tanning
and I believe it was when I was running to class to take a test still drunk in my Halloween costume that I realized I have reached that point in the semester where I just don't give a flying fuck anymore.
I gave her at least chlamydia. Maybe worse. She is also into chicks and loves taking naked pics. It's like the less I believe in Jesus, the more he rewards me.
I am going to dream of scrotums tonight, I just know it.
Imagine getting smashed in the dick by a basketball. A basketball made of metal. With spikes. That's pretty much what his dick looked like.
Witnessing a crazy lady on the bus screaming about how romney is one of the four horsemen of the apocalypse.
He seduced me by making me nachos. It worked.
WHO DOES THAT ON A TUESDAY? This is not a Drake joke, the girl doesn't turn up OR down. She doesn't do anything.
I just had sex with the kid I walked next to at my first holy communion
You think that was bad? One time my parents found my sister half naked on top of the four runner in the garage. She makes me look like the good child.
Well I'm trying out this whole "not sleep with a stranger thing"
That's silly... just silly. And by silly I mean unrealistic.
you know you’re single when you try to cook yourself a nice pasta dinner but you’re too weak to open the container of sauce and theres no one around to help you
I didn't have any choice but to cuddle you. Your hair was stuck on my nipple piercing.
Randomize
