Dude a guy just showed up with alcohol and a bag of double cheese burgers. I think I found my future husband.
until you tell me otherwise ill assume we're playing "cavity search" the homeland security game to spice up our sex life
you covered his dog in toothpaste. safe to say hes not gonna call you.
Tonight just feels like one of those I'm going to lose a shoe nights.
Well if you're drunk enough to make some mistakes this week I'd be down to redeem myself for my poor performance.
Obama's speech on in 9 mins. Me in the shower now. Naked. Make your choice.
I'm bringing the tv in with me.
Returning my drunken purchases from last night. Not a single thing I bought was on sale.
I'm still drunk. I put on workout clothes this morning and just puked in my bathroom. That's the same as going to the gym, right?
(This is the second time ive been high enough to decide to run for office)
After I'd been making out with her for a good 15 minutes some guy yelled "grab this chicks beer she needs both hands!" And he was right I did need both: god bless jello wrestling.
I believe in weed hangovers. To say the least.
I love how you sexted me before you told me happy birthday. Thank you.
Because everytime she talks to you she goes in her room and plays Come Sail Away on repeat. Can't take this shit anymore Jake
She invited us over for cocaine and donuts
I don't know if the fact that I carry lube in my purse means I'm living life right or I'm doing it wrong..
Randomize
