All I have in my fridge is chocolate cake, pizza, spicy mayo sauce, beer, and weed. I love college
You should be grateful to be my roommate. My booty calls always drive you places in the morning.
Nothing says fuck you quite like putting your used condom in someones mailbox for them to find in the morning.
I woke up this morning with gum gluing my ass cheeks together..
I can't decide if I actually want to know or not..
hey..i found a takeout box with a half-eaten hamburger in it, the box said to text this number if found...
I pulled my tongue muscle last night. your welcome.
he does have a point though, watching you drink makes me never want to drink again
hot boxing the bathroom at chili's. where the fuck are you, it's too big of a box for just one person.
Dude, all I know is that I came out of this thing wearing a snorkel mask and completely covered in glitter and soap.
I'm pretty sure my intestines are bleeding but I'm still going to Orlando to catch that orgasm.
Hey. Make all the seamen/semen jokes you want. Not many people can say they fucked 2 different girls in two different countries in one week on a tax free bonus. Next up: Italy.
Your life is one shit show away from being a lifetime movie.
Would it be sad if I made a blanket fort to get drunk in till the power came back?
Just got back from a Walmart run. The music went straight from Kid Rock to John Phillip Souza. If that doesn't scream 'MURICA I don't know what will. Happy 4th!
We walked around last night for hours saying nothing but nom nom nom and barking at each other.
Randomize