I've never been so happy to start my period. I'm gonna let everyone in the store see me buying tampons.
There's two girls at the bar sniffing each others boobs.
I'm worried I'm going to miss my flight so I set a series of alarms on my phone to act as checkpoints to make sure I'll be there. 2am-stop drinking; 4am-stop fucking stephanie, get some sleep; 5am-wake up, fuck stephanie once more; 6am-get to the airport
Second wave of rafting ended in a concussion. Don't worry though, the paramedic says it's still not considered a DUI.
If you make 120 dollars and I walk instd of drive and don't eat or smoke this week we can pay rent
Did I get stoned on a sunday afternoon and speak to someone on the phone for an hour about cats and their behaviour? Glad you asked. And yes.
I picked up the bartender so he could open the bar early and ended up with him giving me a ride home when he closed. I like snowdays and everything, but they get really expensive. Also, I think I threw up on his front door. Not checking.
So. Somehow managed to fuck my contacts out of my eyes. Didn't know that was even possible.
"I'm a professor to university students" I say as I realize I have a nipple piercing that I have no memory of getting
Asking for a friend: is it frowned upon to eat pizza while you materbate or does it just mean you are fantastic at multitasking?
he's so sweet and its so cute. but I swear to fuck if I let my guard down and this was all a lie I am going to become a serial killer.
Finding my pants in the morning should not make me this proud
Right now I'm laying face down on my carpet in my living room in the darkness sending work emails from my phone.
It's a glamorous life.
I watched one of the videos of you hanging from the rafters, and it is both violent and sexual in nature.
Someone made a Christmas song to the Flintstones theme and I'm suing for emotional distress.
Randomize
