I am really glad that on the inside of a card from your grandparents you have transcribed the rules for circle of death
it makes me cry that so many people are going to see you naked someday.
I'm inventing beer flavored vodka. This raspberry shit makes me feel like a pussy.
The other night after we fucked we talked about Lowe's vision insurance. Never fuck a coworker.
he had the kids march single file in front of us on the way home so they didn't have to watch him pulling me passed out in their wagon...
We just set the fire alarm off with a fog machine. What's my first instinct? Finish my drink. I think I handled that correctly.
There are so many birds around me. And squirrels. I feel like that chick from Enchanted...but like if she had a dick and made poor life decisions.
I am far too hungover to deal with the fact I can hear you masturbating in the bathroom.
She said my new name was "ranch" because I "looked delicious"
Okay. I am working on pulling a tooth out of my mouth. Call me.
Whatever she smells like compost and feathers.
I believe they call that patchouli.
Who wrote "the chamber of secrets has been open, enemies of the heir beware" across my bathroom wall?
Would jacking off with Benadryl cream be good or bad for the poison oak on my dick?
The guy who said he's gonna suck your butthole till your face caves in is at Maggie's
Listen, I've got balls in my face can I call you back
Randomize
